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Wit and Wisdom


Wall Street Calling

Posted on July 13, 2011 at 8:02 AM
Police investigating the News Corp. phone hacking scandal today released a transcript of a call between an unlisted Manhattan number and the private line of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

--Senator McConnell, there’s someone on the line for you--at least I think it’s for you--he asked for the “bozo in charge” and said you’d know who it is.
--Thanks, Pam, I’ll take it.
--Is this the bozo in charge?
--Yes, sir.
--You know who this is?
--Yes, sir.
--Let me ask you something: do you like your job?
--Very much, yes, sir.
--And your cushy office, with the Monument view?
--I’m viewing it right now, sir.
--And your family?
--Just making sure you’re paying attention. Now here’s another set of questions:  do you know you can mess with my radio stations? In my car?
--I didn’t know that, no, sir.
--You can. You can climb right into the passenger seat and start pushing buttons like a kid on an elevator. I don’t care.
--Very flexible of you, sir.
--And do you know you can mess with my hair?  Just step right up and helicopter the heck out of it.
--Of course, I never would...
--But you could.  Go to town. Seconds before I’m supposed to address the board.  Don’t mind.
--Very free-spirited of you, sir.
--But do you know what you can’t mess with?
--I’m almost certain I know.
--My money.
--Your money.
--Don’t mess with my money.
--All this flirting with default is messing with my money, Mitch. Messing with my bonds.  Messing with my stocks. Messing with my money.
--Yes, sir.  I can see how frustrating that might be.  But you have to understand we have certain elements within the caucus who are quite adamant--
--Adamant?  Who’s adamant?  Some puffy-faced insurance salesman from East Jesus, Florida, who got sent to Congress on the Tea Bagger Ticket--
--They object to that name, sir.
--on the Tea Bagger Ticket by a bunch of home-schooling machine-gun collectors who think the world is flat, John Wayne was the 34th President and Katie Couric is the devil?  What do they know about my money?
--Not much, I wouldn’t think, sir.
--But you know about my money, don’t you, Mitch?
--Yes, sir.
--You like my money, don’t you, Mitch?
--Very much, sir.
--Well, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you trot out in front of the TV cameras and tell everybody how you guys are going to stop acting like the cast of “Jackass”--rolling down a stone staircase in a shopping cart full of my money--and instead make my money feel safe and secure again with a clean debt-ceiling vote?  Can you do that for me, Mitch?
--You mean right now?  The negotiations with the White House are at a critical juncture, and I really think we have the upper hand--
--You’re not listening, Mitch. If you don’t do this, my money goes away. And if my money goes away, you go away.
--You don’t mean..?
--That’s right: you’ll wind up in East Jesus, Florida, with the insurance salesman and all those machine guns, drinking Gatorade with the home-schoolers and watching Glenn Beck morning, noon and night.
--I’ll call the press conference now.
--That’s a good boy.

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